Breaking the Silence: Why it’s Important to Raise Awareness Around Domestic Violence
Domestic violence (DV) is a silent threat.
1 in 3 women worldwide have been subjected to physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner violence in their lifetime, according to the World Health Organization. 1 in 6-7 men are subject to domestic abuse in their lifetime.
The most widespread form of femicide (38% of murders of women worldwide) is committed by an intimate partner.
Yet, domestic violence is often underreported due to stigma, fear, and lack of awareness or support.
I would know.
Almost 4 years ago, I left an abusive relationship. I had spent 4.5 years out of the 5 with that person googling “is this normal in a relationship” and often finding that what I was living was not normal. However, I still ignored my gut feeling.
It’s very difficult to understand and accept that you are being abused when you love someone.
The cycle of abuse is a social cycle theory developed in 1979 by Lenore E. Walker to explain patterns of behavior in an abusive relationship.
Because it starts beautifully. You feel lucky to have found someone like them. They tell you all the things you have always wanted to hear. And it goes on like that for a few months… until the mask falls.
The stress was already building before then. Stress from work, studies, finances, trauma and life in general. Once the abuse starts, you feel like a deer in headlights and are left wondering how you ignored all the signs. How could you not have seen that they were like this? Just like the frog being boiled, you were slowly being cooked.
The worst question I often get when telling my story to loved ones is, “why did you stay?”
Because there’s no explanation other than: I cared for them, and held onto the person they had made me believed they were.
Domestic violence is a hidden epidemic that affects millions of people worldwide, no matter the socio-economic class, race, and gender.
There is so much to understand behind DV, what it is, its various forms, and how we can raise awareness not just in October but every day of the year. There is no one face to a survivor, and that’s what makes it complicated to talk about.
Understanding domestic violence and what it can look like
Domestic violence, or also known as intimate partner violence, is defined as a pattern of abusive behaviors or coercive actions used by one individual within an intimate relationship to gain and maintain power and control over someone.
The issue is that DV thrives in the culture of silence. Understanding the silence surrounding this issue is critical in comprehending and addressing it.
Foremost, DV isn’t just physical but can take many forms, such as:
Emotional and psychological
Manipulation and gaslighting
Threats and intimidation
Financial abuse
Isolation
It’s common for multiple forms of abuse to coexist within the same relationship.
But how can someone from the outside understand that a relationship may have potential DV undertones?
Here are some signs that you can look out for:
Unexplained injuries
Low self-esteem and worth
Hyper-vigilance of their partner’s reactions
Drastic life changes that don’t make sense
Fear or avoidance of conflict
Break-ups and make-ups
Inconsistent stories
Loss of autonomy
If you notice any of these signs, it’s important to approach the subject with care. Don’t judge. Don’t blame. Let them know that you are there to listen and help. They most likely already feel ashamed and trapped.
The culture of silence
If you know me in person, you know I love makeup.
Here’s something I’ve only told a few in my inner circle: I once went to university covering up a mark caused by a fight the evening before on my face.
I felt ashamed. I didn’t listen to the professor that day. Though my makeup covered the mark near my eye, I was concentrated in hoping no one would notice. I remember vividly remembering that this was not the person I had wanted to become. Though I knew that my relationship had its negatives, I continued to try to list out all the positives in the relationship that day. It also didn’t help when I had friends continuously tell me “you’re so lucky you found him, I want a relationship like yours.” It made me feel like I must have found that true, twin flame love if others saw that.
But there were those friends that would often tell me things like, “you deserve better,” when I would give PG-rated version of our fights. Did they know? Some had their doubts, but didn’t know how to bring up the conversation with me. A few had to set up boundaries around speaking about my relationship: watching a friend continuously be broken up with and going back through grand romantic gestures was hard on them. Having to continuously defend my decision making was hard as well.
“They’re changing,” I would find myself saying every 3-6 months after a violent episode. I was trying to auto-convince myself. In a foreign country that wasn’t mine, in the midst of finishing my degree, living paycheck to paycheck and in their home… If I left, I was going to leave with nothing and didn’t know where to start. I needed to survive.
“God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be
The tomb won’t close, stained glass windows in my mind
I regret you all the time
I can’t let this go, I fight with you in my sleep
The wound won’t close, I keep on waiting for a sign
I regret you all the time
…
Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first.”
And when I would express my concerns of the nature of our relationship to my then partner, I would be mocked and met with:
“Who is going to believe you.”
“Tu es une paumée de la vie.”
“Tu es un boulet.”
“Tu es chiante.”
“You will never find someone who loves you like me.”
I share my story because I want to showcase the difficulty in speaking up. It’s a reminder that DV is often hidden behind masks of normalcy, making it challenging to talk about. When many saw a perfect relationship and expressed their admiration for it, behind closed doors I was being manipulated, controlled and gaslit while also being loved by a Prince Charming after the episodes.
The whiplash is real. Between the doubt of my memories and the facade my partner put on, the emotional rollercoaster was relentless.
I will never forget the expression on my friends’ faces when I finally found the courage to tell them everything I had hidden from them for the past 5 years. Especially when going into detail of the fight that made me realize I needed to leave. Those expressions still haunt me, for I felt so ashamed and lost.
How had the young, wild-eyed, funny, and courageous woman end up there?
The day I left
The importance of raising awareness
I spent years googling “is this normal in a relationship?” And I knew it wasn’t.
But I didn’t know how to get out.
And maybe if I would have read something that spoke about that, I could have ended the relationship sooner and saved myself a few years.
Many individuals, like I did, grapple with the uncertainty of their situations, unsure if they’re overreacting or if their experiences are genuinely harmful. Grappling with self-doubt is one of the reasons many stay in a toxic environment longer than they should be. By having open conversations, we can help someone who may still be searching for answers and validation, empowering them to leave the toxic situation they are in and seek a way out.
Years later, I am able to see the power imbalance there was between my then partner and I, and the fears I had were often used against me. A foreigner in France, they would often convince me that the justice system would not believe me and no help would be available. Administratively, I was at a disadvantage in many ways.
In studying campaigns and organizations around DV, I came across a campaign that launched in 2020 during the COVID pandemic. France has been actively combating domestic violence and gender-based violence, and in this article from 2014, we see that it was ranked in the top 5 countries of the European Union facing the highest challenges in addressing these critical issues. During the pandemic, with growing concerns that lockdowns and social isolation measures may have led to an increase in DV cases, the French government launched the mask-19 campaign.
The campaign that caught my eye wasn’t that one, but in fact a campaign started by Women for Women in France to help non-native victims of DV. Sarah McGrath, charity founder and CEO, stated that foreign-born people confronted with DV face many disadvantages.
“These range from being far from habitual support networks such as family and friends, lack of French language proficiency, and an increased risk of economic and administrative dependence, including visa dependency” she said.
The campaign was delivered in 27 languages, according to their website.
British and French actress and singer, Jane Birkin, was the face for the campaign in English.
Why did this campaign catch my eye? Most likely because of my personal experience with DV in France, and also because it came out right at the time that I had found the courage to leave. It left me wondering if I might have noticed something similar before or taken different actions that could have changed the course of events.
This campaign shows the power of collective efforts to raise awareness and provide support to those who need it. By sharing information, stories, resources, hopefully we can take stride to dismantle the culture of silence and offer help and hope to those who are still searching for answers and validation.
Social media and the role of organizations and advocates
I’m aware of the ongoing debate surrounding social media: is it beneficial for our mental health? As it is currently structured, I believe there are several aspects that require change to protect our well-being. However, I also believe there is an immense power behind social media. It has transformed the way we connect, share information, and mobilize for change.
Social media plays a vital role in the fight against DV, allowing organizations, advocates, and survivors to amplify their voices, their message, and reach a global audience. Most importantly, survivors can find virtual communities and support networks online, where guidance, discussions around experiences and resources can be reached.
This is how I came upon Voices Beyond Assault, an inclusive non-profit organization in the U.S. dedicated to revitalizing and empowering the lives of survivors of sexual and domestic violence. Working with them has helped me so much in my healing journey from DV and rape.
Survivors wear two hats, and that’s why organizations are important.
Survivors often find themselves in a unique but difficult position. We’re not only trying to heal but also advocating for change. This dual role is emotionally taxing.
This is why organizations specializing in domestic violence support and advocacy become indispensable. They provide a structured framework for survivors to channel their energy and experiences into meaningful initiatives. By working alongside such organizations, survivors can make a broader impact while receiving the support that is needed. I know I did.
January 21st, 2023: Three years since I left*
In the end, domestic violence is an issue that wears many faces and impacts countless lives, transcending age, gender, nationality, and background.
DV is a complex issue and comes in diverse forms. It’s crucial to understand that DV is not limited to physical form; it encompasses emotional, psychological, financial, and social dimensions. The most difficult part? It exists in the same space that is being sold as love, making it more challenging to identify.
To anyone who may be doubting if someone is going through violence at home, I encourage you to initiate a conversation with love, understanding, and empathy. I’m grateful to my friends and family for simply being there; their support made it much easier for me to leave.
To anyone doubting if they are facing a violent relationship, I hope you know that a peaceful love is attainable. One that doesn’t make you question your sanity. One that feels safe.
To any survivors reading this: may you heal in your own unique way, whether that’s messily or boldly, quietly or loudly, or any way that feels right for you.
Your journey is valid.
You are not alone.
Note from the author
It’s important to highlight that gender-based violence and statistics are difficult to prove, as they are not always reported.
* Since I left, I have been able to pick up a pen after years of not wanting to confront it. Writing had always been my outlet through some difficult moments in my life, but doing so throughout the relationship felt like having to accept what I was living… For many years, I could barely write. I have now started my own career as a writer.
